The
Child Book
of
Etiquette

Lessons learned while reading the ballad collection of Francis James Child.

by David Kessler

     Dear Francis,

     I'm having a problem with my neighbor, with his girlfriend actually.  She shows up each day, like clockwork, weeping and wailing and looking all gloomy in her widow's weeds, and frankly I'm getting a little sick of it.
     I worked too hard in life to have to put up with this constant commotion every single day.  All I want to do is turn my face unto the wall, but it's impossible to rest in peace with her around all the time.
     My neighbor thinks that her behaviour is sweet and so he doesn't discourage her.  He's new here - moved in just under a year ago - and hasn't fully cast off his life yet, but this is no excuse for letting her carry on like this.
     Please help.

     Signed,
     Unquiet

     Dear Unquiet,

     Your neighbor's sweetheart sounds truly devoted to the memory of her late beau.  Such dedication is laudable, but if it is truly disturbing your repose, then suggest to your neighbor that he fully embrace her lamentations, and her as well.
     One clay-cold kiss should be all that is required to return the pace to your requiescat.

     Signed,
     Francis J. Child