Security Questions

By David Kessler

Sometimes the simple tasks set by corporations to make our lives more secure offer us a glimpse into a parallel dimension, where things are different.  I am not familiar with the world of whoever wrote the security questions described below, but I imagine that it's very much like some Norman Rockwell pictures I've seen.  Have you seen this world?
Proof that writing topics can come from even the smallest of absurdities.

I went online to pay some bills last night and got a notice that seemed innocent enough: I am required to set up 3 security questions in order to continue using my Citibank credit card online account.  No problem, I've written those before for other cards and can write 3 more   ...But no, I donít get to write these, Citibank wants me to choose 1 question from each of 3 lists of 7 questions they've prepared.  And they emphasize that I should "choose questions with clear answers that you can easily remember".

Okay, what sort of questions are on the list:

What was your boss' first name at your first job?
        Ummm, I don't know what I would say my "first job" was.

Name of favorite childhood pet?
        I didn't have any pets when I was a child.

Where did you go on your honeymoon?
        I'm not married.

Name of childhood best friend?
        I had lots of friends, but no single "best friend".

What is your spouse's nickname?
        I said I'm not married.

Who was your arch rival when you were growing up?
        "Arch rival"?!  You're kidding, right?

What is your favorite restaurant?
        Who has a single favorite restaurant?  I have lots of favorite restaurants.

What is your youngest sibling's nickname?
        I don't have a youngest sibling.  I could count myself, but I have several nicknames.

What was the first name of your man/maid of honor?
        You really seem to think that I'm married.

What is your favorite fictional character?
        Because in my whole life, out of all the books I've read, there has to be a single character that wins out, right?

What is your favorite cartoon character?
        Uh huh, I go through life making lists of my favorite cartoon characters...  okay, okay...  Daffy Duck.

What is your hobby?
        One hobby??!!??  Are there people who have ONE hobby?  What kind of all-consuming terminator hobby is strong enough to destroy all others?!

Name of the place where your wedding reception was held?
        I'm logging off now.


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